The Definitive Editions: Weird
Weird is the eighth episode of Season 4 of JamesonOTP's ongoing fan fiction, Glee: The Next Generation '''and the seventy-fourth overall. It centers around fan favorite character Kevin Rhodes and is also a tribute episode to "Weird Al" Yankovic. When Kevin feels like he's fading into the background and decides that his participation is not needed, a power nap during Glee Club becomes the setting for one very weird trip. In his dreams, Kevin is the aspiring lead of Glee Club and also a very eccentric performer who even has an alter ego. When he suggests they pay homage to his favorite singer, "Weird Al," Glee Club surprisingly agrees that it would be a fitting tribute. Songs *Another One Rides The Bus' performed by Kevin Rhodes *'Smells Like Nirvana' performed by Jaxon Pierce *'Like A Surgeon' performed by Lana Addison *'White and Nerdy' performed by Nicole Martin *'Couch Potato' performed by Evan Marx *'Eat It' performed by Adam Gray *'Amish Paradise' performed by Miles Larson feat. New Directions *'Ricky' performed by Rose Mitchell and Kevin Rhodes *'Perform This Way' performed by New Directions Glee: The Next Generation Season 4, Episode #8: "Weird" '''So here’s what you missed on Glee: The Next Generation:' Evan broke up with Claude and he is seeing Skylar, his co-worker at Scratch! Records. After a Frat party, Skylar got Evan into pills, but whereas Skylar knows when to stop, Evan seems to have trouble with self-control. Skylar now knows the truth about Evan being in high school, but he doesn’t care. Evan went to see Skylar’s dealer and got into some heavier drugs and making a seemingly dangerous enemy in the process with Dante aka “Vegas.” Evan took some pills at his house and had a freak out, ignoring a possibly important call. Miles’ brother came home from basic training, causing Miles to go back to his house and fix things with his parents. This led Miles into making his step-father get help with his alcoholism and anger issues. Things seem to be going well now for Miles’ family. Lana has feelings for younger student and protégé, Davies Dawson, which conflicts with her feelings for Hallie. Lana has been attending meetings with friends, which finally included Hallie, Chuck, and Jaxon and she seems to be making progress, but things are still way too complicated for Lana and Hallie to get back together just yet. And that’s what you missed on Glee: The Next Generation! ____________________________________________________________ The very next day, which was Friday, Jaxon made his way over to Evan. Evan rose up from his locker and slammed it shut, turning around and nearly bumping into Jaxon. “Whoa,” Evan said. “You kind of appeared out of nowhere.” “Why didn’t you answer my call last night?” Jaxon asked, worried. “I was busy and I didn’t even hear the phone ring,” Evan lied. “It happens.” Jaxon narrowed his eyes, knowing it was a lie. “You know, Aldy lives in Lima Heights and he told me that he saw you talking to some very dangerous people. You’re not doing anything dangerous are you? Because you know what happened when James and I went to Lima Heights and got involved with some dangerous people, right? James was almost killed, and then I got stabbed and had to have surgery to regain full use of some of my fingers.” “Well, that was you,” Evan said. “Things are…different for me. That guy is my friend.” “What’s up with you?” Jaxon asked. “First you dump Claude and then you start fooling around with Skylar, then you two start dating, and now you’re making friends with Lima Heights rejects.” “You know Jaxon, you really should still be doing that thing where you stay out of people’s lives because you really need to butt out,” Evan said, slinging his backpack over his shoulder and storming off. “Forgive me for caring about you, Evan,” Jaxon yelled at Evan as Evan disappearing into the crowd of students. Lana appeared at Jaxon’s side, looking in the direction of Evan and then back at Jaxon. “What did I miss?” Lana asked. “Evan acting like a jerk,” Jaxon said. “And it’s all because I care about him.” “Evan has seemed a little moody and off, for lack of a better word,” Lana replied. “It’s like forgive me for caring but as hard as I try there is this subconscious part of me that can’t stop caring about him because he was my first,” Jaxon said. “It’s not that I love him, you know? It’s like I just can’t all of a sudden cease to care what happens to him.” “It’s called being a good guy,” Lana said. “It’s not because you two did the drunken horizontal polka on a holiday known for cheating. You care about everyone. Your subconscious just likes to hold that night with Evan over your head for the hell of it.” “Maybe you’re right,” Jaxon said. “I am,” Lana said. “You hunted me down and ran to the top of that roof because you care for me and we both know that we never slept together. Unless waking up on top of one another counts.” “I don’t think it does,” Jaxon said. “Yeah, me either,” Lana replied. “But look, Detective Lana is gonna try to find out what’s going on with Evan so you rest your handsome little head, Boo.” “Thanks,” Jaxon said. “I just know I would hate him to ruin his chances for NYADA by botching his audition for some stupid reason.” “Like I said, don’t worry,” Lana said. “I’ll get to the bottom of this.” ____________________________________________________________ Will stood at the dry erase board, facing New Directions as Sue sat in front, her arms crossed and looking bored. “Aright, anymore ideas for a possible group number at Nationals?” Will asked. “How about we do ‘Die Young’ by Kesha?” Ana asked, everyone beginning to agree excitedly. “That would be a cool idea,” Natasha said, gripping Ana’s arm gently. “What about ‘I Found You’ by the Wanted?” Adam asked. “I love that song.” “Ooh, me too,” James replied, looking around Jaxon at Adam. “Or maybe we can do some Marina and the Diamonds,” Rose said. “That’s even better,” Honey agreed. “Her music is amazing.” “We should do some more Florence + the Machine,” Nicole said. “It went over so well last time and besides, ‘Dogs Days Are Over’ is such a competition anthem.” “I have to agree,” Monique said. “The moment that Nicole pulled out ‘Shake It Off’ was when I knew that Vocal Adrenaline was screwed.” “These are all really good suggestions,” Will said, scribbling them down on the dry erase board. “How about maybe we do ‘Perform This Way’ by Weird Al?” Kevin asked. “I think it would be a great song to do and he’s like my idol.” “That is such a stupid idea,” Miles replied. “We don’t wanna do a silly song; we want the judges to take us seriously.” “Then I guess my participation isn’t needed,” Kevin said beneath his breath as he crossed his arms, leaned back, and shut his eyes. As New Directions chattered excitedly, he blocked them out and drifted off to sleep. When he opened his eyes mere moments later, he was still in the choir room, trying to go to sleep. “These are all really good suggestions,” Will said, scribbling them down on the dry erase board. Kevin looked confused, feeling a moment of déjà vu. Maybe something was telling me that New Directions would shoot down my idea, Kevin thought. But maybe, if I got up and showed them some Weird Al, then they wouldn’t be able to say no. Hey, it was worth a shot. Kevin stood up, feeling extraordinarily confident. “I have an idea.” “Tell us,” Will asked, smiling as the rest of New Directions looked at him with expectant eyes. “No,” Kevin said. “I’m gonna sing it.” “Oh wow,” Honey said. “The greatest star of Glee Club, Kevin, is gonna bless us with one of his amazing musical performances. Catch me, Nicole. I’m gonna faint.” Honey fell limply into Nicole’s arms and Nicole began to rapidly fan her with her hand. “What is going on here?” Kevin asked himself as he looked around. “Come on,” Will said. “Don’t keep your fans waiting.” Kevin smiled to himself and nodded at the band as the music sprung to life and the girls began to scream. “Riding in the bus down the boulevard and the place was pretty packed,” Kevin sang, popping his collar up. “Couldn't find a seat so I had to stand with the perverts in the back. It was smelling like a locker room. There was junk all over the floor. We're already packed in like sardines but we're stopping to pick up more, look out.” Kevin strutted across the choir room, acting cool and playing up to the squeals from the girls in the room. “Another one rides the bus, another one rides the bus. Another comes on and another comes on. Another one rides the bus. Hey, who's gonna sit by you? Another one rides the bus. There's a suitcase poking me in the ribs, there's an elbow in my ear. There's a smelly old bum standing next to me hasn't showered in a year.” Aldy lifted his arm up and took a sniff of his armpit, but when he didn’t smell anything gross he shrugged and went back to watching Kevin perform. “I think I'm missing a contact lens. I think my wallet's gone. And I think this bus is stopping again to let a couple more freaks get on, look out! Another one ride the bus, another one rides the bus. Another comes on and another comes on. Another one rides the bus. Hey, who’s gonna sit by you? Another one rides the bus. Another one rides the bus. Another one rides the bus, ow! Another one rides the bus hey, hey! Another one rides the bus, hey!” Kevin took off running and catapulted off the wall, doing a backflip and landing on his feet. Jaxon crossed his arms, looking jealous. “The window doesn't open and the fan is broke and my face is turning blue. I haven't been in a crowd like this since I went to see the Who. Well I should've got off a couple miles ago but I couldn't get to the door. There isn't any room for me to breathe and now we're gonna pick up more, yeah. Another one rides the bus, another one rides the bus. Another comes on and another comes on. Another one rides the bus. Hey, who’s gonna sit by you? Another one rides the bus.” Honey and Nicole pushed and shoved one another, trying to be the first one to stand up and applaud Kevin. The rest of the girls were just a quick, however. Jaxon sat in his chair, looking jealous still as James also jumped up and screamed. In the back of the choir room, Miles glared at Kevin, looking angry. “Always coming up with stupid ideas,” Miles said. “I think it’s a brilliant idea,” Nicole said. “And a brilliant idea is something you would never have, Miles.” “Oh, shut up and go to Science Club, you geek,” Miles said. “I think that Kevin has a good idea,” Will said. “Of course he does,” Sue added. “He’s a genius.” “I’m declaring next week Weird Al week,” Will said. “Starting Monday, I want you all to have your songs prepared to perform for Glee Club.” As the bell rang, everyone stood up and get ready to leave. “Alright,” Will continued. “See you all Monday. Have a great weekend.” ____________________________________________________________ Monday, Kevin walked in dressed up like a rock star: his hair was teased like the lead singer of a hair metal band, wearing a bandana, eye liner, and rings on every finger. “Make way,” Kevin said, parting the other students. “Make way, Papa Lokkit is coming through. Excuse me, rock star.” “Who the hell is Papa Lokkit?” Lana asked. “Every serious rock star has a stage persona aka alter ego,” Kevin said. “Mine is Papa Lokkit.” “Oh, the stupidity never ceases,” Miles said. Kevin looked at Miles as he walked in. Miles was beefed up like a body builder and dressed like the Terminator. He had several girls on each arm. “I can’t do this,” Lana said, heading to the nearest window. She threw it open and looked back at her friends. “Goodbye, cruel world.” Jaxon walked over and grabbed the hood of Lana’s jacket, pulling her back away from the window. “Oh, would you stop it?” “Adam, what costume should I wear to the anime convention?” Nicole asked. “How about we go as Inu Yasha and Kagome?” Adam asked. “NERDS!” Miles shouted, taking his seat with his bevy of hot girls. Ana walked in, dressed in a tube top, a short denim mini skirt, which had been cut as short as possible as evidenced by the fringe at the bottom, fishnet stockings, and a pair of nine inch clear plastic stilettos. “Hello, my lovelies,” Ana said. Lana’s mouth dropped open as she looked at Ana. “Oh dear sweet, merciful lord.” “Psst!” Aldy called to Evan as Evan walked in. Evan walked over to the corner where Aldy stood and handed Aldy a roll of bills. Aldy looked around carefully before taking a small plastic bag out of his jacket. He handed it to Evan, who took it swiftly and put it in his backpack. “You are all bitches!” Taylor shouted as she hurried in the room, walking up to each of the girls and slapping her across the face. “What was that for?” Rose asked, holding her cheek. “Because it’s what I do!” Taylor shouted as she walked in front of Lana. “Never mind, I’ll pass on you. You’re only half girl anyway.” “That was hurtful, Taylor,” Lana said. “Oh, just go play in traffic, Lana,” Taylor said, taking her seat. “You plan to, anyway.” Honey stood up, holding her cheek and crying hysterically. “You wouldn’t have slapped Rachel like that! Rachel is perfect. I’ll never be as pretty as her, as talented as her, or as popular as her!” “Actually, Rachel wasn’t that popular,” Will said. “I would say you are way more popular than Rachel, Honey.” “Rachel was the star of Glee Club,” Honey continued, not listening to Will. “Rachel was the star of Ethnic Club because she was half-black.” “Actually, Rachel is not technically half black,” Will said. “It’s pretty obvious that Hiram is Rachel’s biological father.” “It’s always about Rachel in Glee Club!” Honey cried. “Rachel, Rachel, Rachel!” “Isn’t Honey’s boyfriend gonna say something to comfort her?” Kevin asked. Honey became to cry even more hysterically. “Boyfriend?” Nicole asked. “That is so insensitive, Kevin. Honey has been single since Declan dumped her when he went off to college.” “But Lucas is her boyfriend,” Kevin said. “Nope,” Rose said. “She’s very much single.” “Besides, who’s Lucas?” John asked. “He got gay bashed two years ago,” Kevin said. “Nope, that was James,” Jaxon said. “And then we declared it Michael Jackson week.” “And John, didn’t you die?” Kevin asked. “I thought you killed yourself.” “Nope, I’m still here,” John said. “It’s your dream, Kevin. Go figure.” “Dream?” Kevin asked. “This isn’t a dream. And Chuck…why are you in New Directions?” “I honestly don’t know,” Chuck said. “I’m kind of just here but I think it’s because you think the Warblers are overrated and ridiculous.” “What the heck is going on?” Kevin asked. “Are you saying that I dreamed the last three years?” “No time, Kevin,” Jaxon said. “It’s my turn to perform and reclaim my rightful spotlight that you so rudely stole from me.” Jaxon stood up and walked to the front of the choir room, pushing Kevin toward his seat and taking his place in the center of the room. Kevin sat down as the band began to play. “What is this song all about?” Jaxon sang. “Can't figure any lyrics out. How do the words to it go? I wish you'd tell me, I don't know, son't know, don't know, don't know, oh no. Don't know, don't know, don't know. Now I'm mumbling and I'm screaming and I don't know what I'm singing. Crank the volume, ears are bleeding. I still don't know what I'm singing. We're so loud and incoherent. Boy, this ought to bug your parents, yeah.” Kevin looked around at the choir room, trying to figure out what was going on. “It's unintelligible, I just can't get it through my skull. It's hard to bargle nawdle zouss with all these marbles in my mouth. Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no. Don't know, don't know, don't know. Well, we don't sound like Madonna. Here we are now, we're Nirvana. Sing distinctly? We don't wanna. Buy our album, we're Nirvana. A garage band from Seattle. Well, it sure beats raising cattle, yeah.” '' Jaxon marched across the room, glaring at Kevin, sizing him up. ''“And I forgot the next verse. Oh well, I guess it pays to rehearse. The lyric sheet's so hard to find. What are the words? Oh, never mind. Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no. Don't know, don't know, don't know. Well, I'm yelling and we're playing but I don't know what I'm saying. What's the message I'm conveying? Can you tell me what I'm saying? So have you got some idea? Didn't think so–well, I'll see you. Sayonara, sayonara. Ayonawa, odinawa. Odinaya, yodinaya. Yaddayadda, yaaahyaaah Ayaaaaaah!” As the rest of New Directions burst into applause, Jaxon walked up in front of Kevin and gave him an arrogant glare. “It’s mine now, Papa Lokkit,” Jaxon said. ____________________________________________________________ During P.E., Lana stood underneath the basketball goal, jump rope in hand. She looked up, figuring out how she could do what she had in mind. “Lana, what are you doing?” Kevin asked. “I’m going to hang myself with this jump rope,” Lana replied. “Lana, I don’t understand why you’re so suicidal,” Kevin said, leading Lana up the steps of the bleachers. “Sure, like can be hard but you gotta remember that life is such a beautiful and special thing. It’s fragile, so you have to handle it gently, but it can grow into a wonderful masterpiece if you nurture it.” “Wow, Kevin,” Lana said. “That’s really beautiful and touching. You know, sometimes you’re a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for.” “That’s incredibly stupid,” Miles said as he walked over to Kevin. “You’re such an idiot, Kevin!” Miles swung his hand, hitting Kevin. Kevin lost his balance and fell, tumbling backwards down the stairs. “Kevin!” Lana shouted as she ran down to help him. “Kevin, are you okay?” “I’m fine,” Kevin said, rubbing the back of his head. “It just hurts a little.” “Miles, you’re a jerk!” Lana said, standing up. “I’m so upset that I need to sing.” “I don’t think that Weird Al has any songs about trying to kill yourself,” Miles said as he turned to the girls who followed him, laughing. “I finally made it through med school,” Lana sang as she marched up the steps toward Miles, a serious look on her face. “Somehow I made it through. I'm just an intern, I still make a mistake or two. I was last in my class, barely passed at the institute. Now I'm trying to avoid, yeah, I'm trying to avoid a malpractice suit.” Miles scoffed as Lana stood in front of him, glaring. “Hey, like a surgeon; cutting for the very first time. Like a surgeon; organ transplants are my line. Better give me all your gauze, nurse. This patient's fading fast. Complications have set in—don't know how long he'll last. Let me see, that IV. Here we go, time to operate. I'll pull his insides out, pull his insides out and see what he ate.” Lana snapped her fingers and everyone around her and Miles fell into formation behind her, dancing. “Like a surgeon, hey, cutting for the very first time. Like a surgeon; here's a waiver for you to sign. Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's a fact, I'm a quack—” “Got that right,” Miles said. “The disgrace of the A.M.A. ‘cause my patients die, yeah, my patients die before they can pay. Like a surgeon, hey, cutting for the very first time. Like a surgeon; got your kidneys on my mind. Like a surgeon, ooh, like a surgeon when I reach inside with my scalpel, and my forceps, and retractors oh oh, oh oh, whoa, oh. Ooh baby, yeah, I can hear your heartbeat for the very last time.” “This is awesome,” Kevin said as she watched Miles and Lana staring each other down. ____________________________________________________________ Later that day, Kevin sat in the choir room as Jaxon walked in. As Jaxon passed, he looked at Kevin, pointing at his eyes and then at Kevin. “I’ve got my eyes on you, Papa Lokkit,” Jaxon said as he took his seat. “I use the magic attack Darkest Night!” Nicole shouted as she jumped up from her chair. Nicole was dressed in an outfit that looked like a cross between a sexy witch and a black fairy: black high heeled boots, purple and black striped leggings, a purple tutu with black mesh lace on top, a black satin corset with purple lace and accents, black hooded cape, purple wig, and black and purple eye shadow. Beside her, Adam was dressed sort of like a cross between a pirate and a white mage: barefoot, ragged white pants cut off a little before his ankle, a white and blue sash for a belt, a loosely laced white shirt, blue jacket with white trim, a white eye patch and blue highlights in his hair. “Well, I counter attack with the magic attack Purest Light!” Adam shouted. “Quick, calculate damage,” Nicole said as Adam pulled out his calculator. “What the hell are you two doing?” Kevin asked. “We’re LARPing,” Adam said. “It’s so much fun.” “I don’t follow,” Kevin replied. “LARP—live action role play,” Nicole explained. “It’s like playing an RPG but you do it in person while wearing costumes and stuff. This is from our favorite RPG ever, Knights of Dragonvale. I’m the beautiful female mage, Wyndy, and Adam is the handsome elf pirate-turned-mage, Lassityr. See, he’s a good guy who becomes a white mage—they’re the good guys. And I’m a black mage—the bad guys. And we have a battle, but we fall in love and cannot kill the other and spend the game trying to convert the other to our side, while trying to avoid those who try to tear us apart.” “You are such a nerd,” Kevin said. Nicole stood up, looking upset. “And you’re a bully, Kevin. Ever since you created your new stage persona, Papa Lokkit, you have been a jerk! Well, you know what? I may be a nerd, but I am proud of it. I am happy to be who I am and who I am is white and nerdy!” “I smell a song coming on,” Adam said as he sat down and turned his attention to the front of the choir room. “They see me mowing my front lawn,” Nicole sang. “I know they're all thinking I'm so white n’ nerdy. Think I'm just too white n' nerdy, think I'm just too white n' nerdy. Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy? Look at me, I'm white n' nerdy! I wanna roll with the gangsters but so far they all think I'm too white n' nerdy. Think I'm just too white n' nerdy, think I'm just too white n' nerdy. I'm just too white n' nerdy. Really, really white n' nerdy.” Everyone looked at Nicole, their mouths hanging open in shock. “First in my class here at M.I.T.,” Nicole rapped. “Got skills, I'm a champion of D&D. MC Escher that's my favorite MC. Keep your 40, I'll just have an Earl Grey tea. My rims never spin, to the contrary, you'll find they're quite stationary. All of my action figures are cherry. Steven Hawking's in my library. My MySpace page is all totally pimped out. I got people begging for my top 8 spaces—” “Who even uses MySpace anymore?” Ana asked Natasha, who shrugged her shoulders. “MySpace is a fossil,” Natasha said. “Yo, I know Pi to a thousand places. Ain't got no grills but I still wear braces. I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise. I'm a whiz at minesweeper; I can play for days. Once you see my sweet moves, you're gonna stay amazed. My fingers moving so fast, I'll set the place ablaze. There's no killer app I haven't run. At Pascal, well, I'm number one. Do vector calculus just for fun. I ain't got a gat but I got a soldering gun. ‘Happy Days’ is my favorite theme song. I can sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong. I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on. I'm fluent in JavaScript as well as Klingon. Here's the part I sing on.” “This is one of those things that you could hear about, but until you see it, you’d never believe it,” Bella said, looking at Hallie. “Are we being Punk’d?” Hallie asked. “They see me roll on my Segway,” Nicole sang. “I know in my heart they think I'm white n' nerdy. Think I'm just too white n' nerdy, think I'm just too white n' nerdy. Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy? Look at me, I'm white n' nerdy. I'd like to roll with the gangsters. Although it's apparent I'm too white n' nerdy. Think I'm just too white n' nerdy. I'm just too white n' nerdy. How'd I get so white n' nerdy? I've been browsing, inspecting X-men comics— you know I collect 'em. The pens in my pocket, I must protect 'em. My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored. Shopping online for deals on some writable media. I edit Wikipedia. I memorized ‘Holy Grail’ really well. I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL. I got a business doing web sites. When my friends need some code who do they call?” “Nicole is kind of hot for a nerd,” Miles said to himself. “I do HTML for them all. Even made a homepage for my dog! Yo! Got myself a fanny pack—they were having a sale down at the GAP. Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap. POP POP! Hope no one sees me getting freaky! I'm nerdy in the extreme and whiter than sour cream. I was in AV club and Glee club and even the chess team. Only question I ever thought was hard was do I like Kirk or do I like Picard? I spend every weekend at the renaissance fair I got my name on my underwear! They see me strolling, they laughing and rolling their eyes 'cause I'm so white n' nerdy. Just because I'm white n' nerdy, just because I'm white n' nerdy, all because I'm white n' nerdy. Holy cow, I'm white n' nerdy. I wanna bowl with the gangsters but oh well, it's obvious I'm white n' nerdy. Think I'm just too white n' nerdy, think I'm just too white n' nerdy. I'm just too white n' nerdy. Look at me, I'm white n' nerdy!” As the song ended, slowly, everyone began to applaud, looking at one another in confusion. “Nicole was rapping,” Honey said, confused. “About being white and nerdy,” Monique added. “Is this real life?” Kevin asked, looking at McKenzie, who shrugged. As Nicole took her seat, the door opened Evan strolled in, his pants sagging and wearing sunglasses with a backwards cap. “Sorry I’m late,” Evan said. “But I’m here to do my song now.” “Evan?” Will asked, looking at Evan. “What’s with the new look?” “Look, if you had one shot to sit on your lazy butt and watch all the TV you ever wanted until your brain turned to mush, would you go for it?” Evan rapped. “Or just let it slip? Yo—remote is ready, eyes wide, palms are sweaty. There's Flintstones on the TV already, Wilma and Betty. No virgin to channel surfing and I'm HD-ready so I flip—garbage is all I'm getting. There's Simon Cowell, who folks wanna disembowel. He opens his mouth, always says something foul. They're dying, wow. Wannabes are crying now. He votes them out, time to throw in the towel.” “What the hell is going on with Evan?” Rose asked. “He’s doing drugs,” Kevin said. “What?” Rose asked. “No way!” “Shows based on reality—0h, the humanity! Oh, Ozzy's family sure loves profanity Whoa, the insanity. Oh, dogs that crap and pee. Home of depravity? No, they live happily, yo. Plus Da Ali G Show and Celebrity Mole. Oh, and there's Anna Nicole Well, she's scaring me. Look ma, no cavities. Oh, it's a station break. Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something. You're gonna lose your mind watching TV. They told me, they'd scold me but I'd still tune in every show. My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO. The Travel Channel, Discovery, and Lifetime, yo.” “You can’t just say things like that about proof, Kevin,” Honey said. “He pulled into the parking lot this morning and he was listening to D12’s ‘Purple Pills’,” Kevin said. “So?” Rose asked. “He’s been on an Eminem kick for like a month and Eminem is in D12.” “You're gonna lose your mind watching TV. They told me, cajoled me, turn off those music videos, no. I'm gonna watch C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO. The History Channel and QVC and Lifetime, yo, you're gonna. My butt is aching as I watch NASCAR racing. That show about undertaking. Larry King to 24 to Law and Order. The Weather Channel's boring like 60 Minutes’ ancient reporters. Next up on E! True Hollywood Story, the rise and decline of twelve actors named Corey. Shows for next fall, they've already been naming CSI: Boise and Touched By an Uncle both sound pretty lame and So does Everybody Tolerates Raymond and King of Queens jumped the shark the first minute. I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it.” “I can’t believe you could be so stupid,” Miles said to Kevin. “Seriously, do you even listen to how stupid you sound?” “I’m telling you, Evan’s doing drugs,” Kevin said. “I just know—I can tell.” I'll move right on to 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter—” “That’s my favorite show,” Bella said, looking at Hallie. “Then I bet I watch The Bachelorette followed by Welcome Back, Kotter and The Muppet Show where they go 'mahna mahna. You're gonna lose your mind watching TV. They told me, they'd scold me but I'd still tune in every show. My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO. The Disney Channel and A&E and Lifetime, yo. You're gonna lose your mind watching TV. They told me, cajoled me but I still love Lisa Kudrow. I'm looking at C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO. The Playboy Channel and Court TV and Lifetime, yo, you're gonna. And there's Gilligan and SpongeBob, plus there's MacGyver and Jay Leno has got Madonna. Hey there's Luke Perry on a special all Pig-Latin episode of Drew Carey. Wanna turn on E.T. ‘cause I'm a gossip freak and I gotta know who J. Lo is marrying this week. A 30 second spot then we come back to Are You Hot? I was planning on recording The Sopranos—I forgot.” “He’s not doing drugs, Kevin,” Miles said. “Stop being stupid, Kevin.” “I love shows with or without a plot. I'll stare 'til my legs are numb, my eyes bloodshot because I only have got one brain to rot. I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot. You're gonna lose your mind watching TV. They told me, they'd scold me but I'd still tune in every show. My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO. The Sci-Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime, yo. You're gonna lose your mind watching TV. They told me, cajoled me. Turn off that Oprah Winfrey show. I got it on C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO. The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime, yo, you're gonna. You can watch anything you want to, man.” ____________________________________________________________ The next day, during lunch, all the non-seniors sat together. “Next year is gonna be different,” Kevin said. “No one is gonna call me stupid and push me around.” “Maybe next year we won’t get slushied,” Adam added. “Just try harder to not be so lame,” Taylor said. “Don’t listen to her,” Ana said. “Bella and I will help you guys be more popular next year. Just stick with us.” “Yeah,” Bella said. “You know we’ll have your back.” “I don’t wanna wait until next year,” Adam said, standing up. “I’m tired of the slushies, man. I got slushied just last Thursday. Do you know how hard it is to get blue slush out of your ears and nostrils? Not to mention, it stained my underwear!” “What are you gonna do?” Kevin asked. “I’m gonna become a legend,” Adam replied. “I’m gonna start the most epic food fight in McKinley history!” Adam jumped up on the table and whistled really loudly. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at Adam. “He’s gone crazy,” Ana said. Adam bent down and scooped up a handful of tater-tots. He smiled as he looked around the room, picking a target. Once he had settled on Parker Pennington, he threw as hard as he could. The tater-tots pelted Parker square in the face as he let out a loud shriek. “How come you're always such a fussy young man?” Adam sang as popped his collar. “Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raisin Bran. Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan. So eat it, just eat it. Don't want to argue, I don't want to debate. Don't want to hear about what kind of food you hate. You won't get no dessert 'till you clean off your plate so eat it.” Adam pulled a pair of shades out of his pocket and put them on as food began to fly around the cafeteria. Adam began to moonwalk, ignoring all the food flying past him as he sang. “Don't you tell me you're full,” Adam sang. “Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it. Get yourself an egg and beat it. Have some more chicken, have some more pie. It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried. Just eat it, eat it, just eat it, eat it. Just eat it, eat it, just eat it, eat it, ooh. Your table manners are some crying shame. You're playing with your food, this ain't some kind of game. Now, if you starve to death, you'll just have yourself to blame so eat it, just eat it.” Ana looked at Bella as they seemed in awe at what was going on around them. Taylor screamed as a piece of pizza hit her in the face and stuck. Bella laughed. “Look, it’s Pizza the Hutt.” “You better listen, better do what you're told. You haven't even touched your tuna casserole. You better chow down or it's gonna get cold so eat it. I don't care if you're full. Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it. Open up your mouth and feed it. Have some more yogurt, have some more spam. It doesn't matter if it's fresh or canned. Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it. Don't you make me repeat it. Have a banana, have a whole bunch. It doesn't matter what you had for lunch. Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it. Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it.” As Lana and Jaxon walked toward the tables, lunch trays in hand, they looked at all the food flying in every direction as Adam stood on the table of the middle of the chaos, dancing and singing, unaffected by the chaos. “It’s glorious,” Lana said, looking awestruck. “It’s a food fight of epic proportions,” Jaxon replied. “Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it. If it's getting cold, reheat it. Have a big dinner, have a light snack. If you don't like it, you can't send it back. Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it. Get yourself an egg and beat it. Have some more chicken, have some more pie. It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried. Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it. Don't you make me repeat it. Have a banana, have a whole bunch. It doesn't matter what you had for lunch. Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it.” As the loud shrill sound of a whistle filled the cafeteria, all the food suddenly stopped flying. Coach Beiste stood at the front of the cafeteria, whistle in hand. “That’s enough!” Beiste shouted. “All you guys are staying after to clean this mess up!” ____________________________________________________________ During Glee Club, everyone met in the auditorium. Kevin strolled in a looked around, wondering where everyone was. “Sorry I’m late,” Kevin said. “Where is everyone?” “Taking the stage,” Will said. “Hurry up and take your position so maybe you won’t miss out.” Before Kevin could make his way to the stage, the curtain rose and Miles stepped forward and took his place behind a sole microphone stand. “As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain, I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain,” Miles rapped. “But that's just perfect for an Amish like me. You know, I shun fancy things like electricity. At 4:30 in the morning, I'm milking cows Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows—fool. And I've been milking and plowing so long that even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone. I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline—got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin. But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine, then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699.” Kevin stepped onto the stage, making his way to the back with the others. “We been spending most our lives living in an Amish paradise,” New Directions sang as Kevin slowly joined in. “I've churned butter once or twice, living in an Amish paradise. It's hard work and sacrifice, living in an Amish paradise. We sell quilts at discount price, living in an Amish paradise.” “A local boy kicked me in the butt last week,” Miles rapped. “I just smiled at him and turned the other cheek. I really don't care, in fact I wish him well ‘cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in hell. But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it—an Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of. I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat and my homies agree, I really look good in black—fool. If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears. We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years. But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare. We're just technologically impaired.” “There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar—not a single luxury,” the boys sang. “Like Robinson Crusoe, it's as primitive as can be. “We been spending most our lives living in an Amish paradise,” New Directions sang. “We're just plain and simple guys, living in an Amish paradise. There's no time for sin and vice, living in an Amish paradise. We don't fight, we all play nice, living in an Amish paradise.” “Hitching up the buggy, churning lots of butter,” Miles rapped. “Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise another. Think you're really righteous? Think you're pure in heart? Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art. I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like. On my knees day and night, scoring points for the afterlife. So don't be vain and don't be whiny or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your heiney.” As Miles rapped the last line, he turned and looked directly at Kevin. “We been spending most our lives living in an Amish paradise,” New Directions sang. “We're all crazy Mennonites, living in an Amish paradise. There's no cops or traffic lights, living in an Amish paradise. But you'd probably think it bites living in an Amish paradise.” As the song ended, Kevin stepped forward. “You know, I’m part of New Directions!” Kevin shouted. “You couldn’t wait for me?” “Our Nationals rehearsal was too important to wait,” Miles replied. “Of course,” Kevin said. “You couldn’t wait because this was your chance to steal my spotlight.” “You nor Papa Lokkit have ever even possessed this spotlight,” Miles said. “When are you gonna grow up? You’re a stupid idiot, Kevin. Not to mention, you’re childish, delusional, and jealous.” “What would you know, Miles?” Kevin asked. “Other than being a selfish bully with anger problems, that is.” Miles charged Kevin, knocking him to the floor as Kevin managed to get free and threw a punch at Miles, hitting him across the cheek. Miles hit back, slugging Kevin in the chin. “Stop it!” Will said and he and Jaxon rushed over. Jaxon grabbed Kevin and pulled him back as Will grabbed Miles, holding him back. “Violence is always the answer with you!” Kevin shouted as Jaxon tightened his grip on Kevin. “Enough!” Will said. “We’re never gonna win at Nationals if New Directions is fighting with one another.” “I’m done!” Kevin said, pulling himself free from Jaxon’s grip. “I’m leaving.” Will watched in shock as Kevin stormed off the stage and down the aisles, headed for the door. “Is he really gonna just leave like that?” Aldy asked. ____________________________________________________________ Kevin sat outside on the steps of the courtyard, thinking. Rose slowly approached him and put her hand on his shoulder. Kevin looked up at Rose, smiling as he laid his hand on top of hers. “Miles is kind of an ass,” Rose said. “Don’t let him get to you.” “Do you know how it feels to be pushed around, smacked around, put down, bullied, and called names all the time?” Kevin asked. “No, not really,” Rose replied. “Miles is supposed to be my friend and yet he’s the one constantly doing it,” Kevin added. “Kevin, you gotta stand up for yourself more often,” Rose said. “Bullies bully people because they think they’re weak. Don’t let Miles think you’re weak.” “I kind of am,” Kevin said. “I’m not that great of a dancer, I don’t stand out as a singer, I’m not very smart, and I’m certainly not physically strong. Everything about me is weak, Rose. I’m nothing special.” “That’s where you’re wrong,” Rose said. “You’re a great friend and you had a killer solo at Sectionals. You’re a great boyfriend and that’s perhaps one of your best qualities. You’re so much more than you believe, Kevin.” “Really?” Kevin asked. Rose nodded. “Of course. Hey, what do you say we sing a duet together?” “I didn’t know Weird Al had a duet,” Kevin replied. “How could you forget about ‘Ricky,’ his parody of ‘Mickey’ by Tony Basil?” Rose asked, smiling. “Oh, that’s right,” Kevin said. “It was a duet, although technically the female singer wasn’t officially credited.” “I don’t mind not being credited,” Rose said. “As long as I get to sing with you.” Kevin smiled. “I love you, Rose.” “You are my Ricky Ricardo,” Rose replied. “The Latin American heritage and all.” “And you’re my Lucy, red hair and all.” “Oh Ricky, you're so fine,” Rose sang. “You're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Ricky, hey Ricky.” “Oh Lucy, you're so fine,” Kevin sang. “You're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Lucy, hey Lucy.” “Oh Ricky, you're so fine,” ''Rose sang. ''“You play your bongos all the time. Hey Ricky, hey Ricky.” “Oh Lucy, you're so fine,” ''Kevin sang. ''“How I love to hear you whine. Hey Lucy.” “Hey Ricky,” Rose sang. “You always play your conga drums, you think you got the right. You wake up little Ricky in the middle of the night. Stop shaking your maracas now and just turn out the light, Ricky.” “I'm sick of Fred and Ethel always coming over here,” Kevin sang. “’Cause Fred eats all our pretzel sticks and then he spills his beer. Why don't you serve your casserole and make them disappear, Lucy?” “Oh Ricky, what's a girl like me supposed to do? You really drive me wild when you sing your Babaloo.” “Oh Lucy, you're so ditsy, don't you have a clue. “Well, here's to you, Lucy. I love you too Lucy, too Lucy. Let's Babaloo, Lucy.” “Hey Ricky,” ''Rose sang as she walked over beside Kevin and laced her arm through his. ''“You're always playing at the club, you never let me go. I'm beggin' and I'm pleadin' but you always tell me no. Oh, please honey please, let me be in your show, Ricky—wah.” “You always burn the roast and you drop the dishes too,” Kevin sang. “You iron my new shirt and you burn a hole right through. You're such a crazy redhead, I just don't know what to do, Lucy.” “Oh Ricky, what a pity, don't you understand? That every day's a rerun and the laughter's always canned.” “Oh Lucy, I'm the Latin leader of the band. So here's to you Lucy. Let's Babaloo, Lucy, too Lucy. Everybody rumba!” “Kevin,” Rose said, shaking his arm. Slowly the scene became really blurry as Kevin opened his eyes and realized that e was back in the choir room and had been asleep the whole time. “You fell asleep and missed what Bella said,” Rose said. “I said that I think Kevin is right,” Bella repeated. “We’re taking Nationals so seriously that maybe we just need to let loose and have some fun. Stop taking ourselves so seriously for one day and just do something crazy. I say we perform Weird Al’s ‘Perform This Way’ down in the April Rhodes Civic Pavilion.” “Really?” Kevin asked. “You guys like never listen to my suggestions.” “Even if Miles doesn’t like it, I think we should,” Honey said. “As one of our female co-captains, I conclude with Kevin and Bella on the idea.” “Agreed,” Nicole said. “We’re doing ‘Perform This Way, guys,” Jaxon said. “Alright!” ____________________________________________________________ As the music began, the spotlights swirled around the stage as Kevin stepped forward, dressed in the skeleton outfit from Weird Al’s Perform This Way video. “My mama told me when I was hatched, act like a superstar,” Kevin sang. “Save your allowance, buy a bubble dress and someday you will go far. Now on red carpets, well, I'm hard to miss, the press follows everywhere I go. I'll poke your eye out with a dress like this. Back off and enjoy the show!” “I'm sure my critics will say it's a grotesque display,” New Directions sang. “Well, they can bite me, baby—I perform this way. I might be wearing Swiss cheese or maybe covered with bees. It doesn't mean I'm crazy—I perform this way. Ooh, my little monsters pay lots 'cause I perform this way. Baby, I perform this way. Ooh, don't worry, I'm okay. Hey, I just perform this way. I'm not crazy, I perform this way.” '' “I'll be a troll or evil queen,”'' Miles sang, dressed in the peacock outfit. “I'll be a human jelly bean ‘cause every day is Halloween for me.” “I'm so completely original,” Jaxon sang as he stepped forward, wearing the spiked “poke your eye out” outfit. “My new look is all the rage. I'll wrap my small intestines around my neck and set fire to myself on stage.” “I'll wear a porcupine on my head on a W-H-I-M,” ''Lana sang as she joined Jaxon, dressed as the Mad Hatter. ''“Hey, hey, hey,” Evan sang, dressed as Frankenstein. “And for no reason now I'll sing in French,” Hallie sang, putting her arm around Evan, wearing the caution tape nun outfit. “Excusez-moi, qui a pété?” “Got my straight jacket today, it's made of gold lamé,” Natasha sang as she and Ana stepped forward and dressed in the feathered dress with the horse headdress. “No, not because I'm crazy–I perform this way,” New Directions sang. “I strap prime rib to my feet, cover myself with raw meat. I'll bet you've never seen a skirt steak worn this way.” “Don't be offended when you see my latest pop monstrosity,” Honey sang, dressed in the gold Madonna outfit. “I'm strange, weird, shocking, odd, bizarre,” New Directions sang. “I'm Frankenstein, I'm Avatar.” “There's nothing too embarrassing,” ''Ana sang as she danced center stage, dressed in the pink zebra print leotard. ''“I'll honestly do anything but wear white after Labor Day.” “’Cause baby, I perform this way,” New Directions sang. “Hope you won't think it's cliché if I go nude today,” Monique sang, wearing the turquoise dress with the silver headpiece. “Don't call the cops now, baby, I perform this way,” New Directions sang. “No reason I should regret all the attention I get. I'm not completely crazy, I perform this way, yeah. I perform this way-hey, I perform this way, hey. I'm always deviating from the norm this way, hey. I perform this way, hey. I perform this way, hey. I'm really not insane—I just perform this way, hey.” ____________________________________________________________ As Kevin exited the auditorium, Will saw him and pulled him aside. “Kevin, I was wondering if we could talk,” Will said. “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been very eager about participating in Glee Club lately. Is something wrong?” “I haven’t felt like I fit in anymore,” Kevin replied. “And why do you feel like that?” Will asked. “Because my ideas are always quick to be shot down,” Kevin said. “People think I’m stupid. I don’t stand out much—” “Kevin, you are talented and far from stupid, why can’t you see that?” Will asked. “Because people always shoot me down, Mr. Schue and I didn’t realize it until my dream,” Kevin replied. “Maybe you should talk to Emma about you dream,” Will said. “I’ll walk you to her office.” ____________________________________________________________ Kevin sighed as he walked out of Emma’s office and started down the hall. He saw Jaxon and seized the moment to go talk. Slowly, Kevin made his way over to Jaxon, who was taking books out of his locker. “Hey, Kevin,” Jaxon said. “What’s up?” “Can we talk?” Kevin asked. “Sure,” Jaxon replied. “What’s up?” “I had a dream earlier today in Glee Club and after talking to Mrs. Pillsbury-Schuester, I realized that I needed to address a few things with my friends. She told me that dreams are our subconscious’ way of telling us things and I guess what it was trying to tell me was that I feel inadequate and I’m jealous of you.” “Why are you jealous of me?” Jaxon asked. “Because you get all the solos and you’re super talented,” Kevin replied. “You’re a shoo-in for NYADA and I’m just Kevin.” “Kevin, don’t you see?” Jaxon asked. “You had an amazing solo at Sectionals and you killed it out there. You’re part of the reason that we won. You’re a lot better than you think you are. Sure, you haven’t had as much of an opportunity to shine lately, but you’re coming back for another year. You’ll have your chance, Kevin. Just don’t rush it because next year is your year.” Kevin nodded. “I guess you’re right. I just always wished I could be more like you.” “Don’t,” Jaxon said. “Because you’re great just the way you are. You’re Kevin and being yourself is what makes you so special, unique.” Kevin smiled. “Thanks. I need to go find Miles.” “He’s in the courtyard,” Jaxon said. ____________________________________________________________ Kevin looked out the door leading to the courtyard, watching Miles as he sat there, talking to Taylor. Taylor got up and walked away, leaving Miles there. As Miles stood up, Kevin exhaled sharply, screwing up the courage to have the talk he was about to have, and pushed the door open. “Miles?” Kevin asked. “Can we talk?” Miles turned around. “Yeah, what is it?” “It really hurts my feelings when you guys call me stupid and stuff,” Kevin said. “We don’t mean it, Kevin,” Miles replied. “It’s just a joke.” “But still you say it and words hurt,” Kevin said. Miles hung his head. “Yeah, I guess they do.” “And I don’t like it when you hit me either, even if you don’t mean anything by it,” Kevin said. “It makes me feel abused, Miles.” “I guess I, above all people, should understand that,” Miles replied. “Seeing as how that’s how my dad treated me.” “Abuse begets abuse,” Kevin said. “That’s what I was told. Maybe you don’t realize you’re doing it, but it really makes me feel like we’re not true friends. I spend a lot of time questioning what happened to us and how you, Jaxon, and I went from being best friends in freshman year to what we are now.” “And what are we now?” Miles asked. “Barely anything other than members of the same Glee Club,” Kevin said. “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Miles said. “I’m sorry, Kevin. Let’s work on things.” Kevin smiled as he offered his hand to Miles for a handshake. “It’s a deal,” Kevin said. 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